Ladies and gentlemen, intelligence has fallen, and it manifests itself in cinematic form with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Or as I've heard spoken 50 times, Rise of the Fallen. No, no. You're getting this movie confused with the other Hasbro toy crapfest we'll see in August called G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. This is a Revenge, not a Rise. And take that any way you want to when I say there is nothing to get up about this geek porn fest.

This movie is bad. Ultra bad. (Since Superbad is already taken.) I tried making a midnight showing of the film last night, but they were sold out. I should have known better, but I just didn't have any idea that everyone else thought the first Transformers movie was good enough to stay up until 3:00am to see a sequel that has already received some very stinky reviews. Well, I didn't get to stay up until 3am, since I didn't get my tickets early enough. So I caught the matinee today.

Everything you've heard about this movie is true.

Yes, there are two annoying robots named Skids and Mudflap that are Jar Jar Binks times two. I know that delineation has been made umpteen hundred times, but there's no way around it. These guys are obnoxious racial stereotypes proving that no Hollywood director is more white than Michael Bay. They say words like bitch, pussy, punk-ass and bust a cap, which you know are very linguistic catch-phrases on Cybertron.

Yes, Devastator has balls. I didn't believe it either since I couldn't find a single picture online (stop laughing, it's the only time I've ever tried to look up someone's balls). He has two wrecking balls for testicles.

Yes, there are other phalyic symbols in this movie. A food processor turns into a Transformer with some kind of a penile implant as a weapon. It's nothing compared to the blue pipe Dr. Manhattan was swinging in The Watchmen, but Michael Bay sure seems to be compensating for something in this film. He likes making dogs hump, too. I guess he thinks that's pretty funny. You know, if they just circumcised some references, jokes, and swear words in these movies, the kids would love them. WHY DIDN'T THEY THINK ABOUT THAT?!?! The Transformers was a CARTOON!! FOR KIDS!! Give this to a new generation!!

Yes, you get to see various parts of Megan Fox, and yes, it looks like she's in a calendar shoot in every scene you see her in. But you don't get to see her act. Bummer, right?

Yes, the camera moves. Constantly. Michael Bay apparently missed the day they talked about still frame in film class. His idea of still frame is slow mo. Which happens a lot, too. And there's more of those bright light shots, too. This guy is like the porn director of action cinema. It's really quite sick. It's like every single moment of your day is a dramatic revelation and there's no down time at the computer or watching tv or eating or breathing.

Yes, Sam Witwicke is seduced by the TX Terminator from Terminator 3. It's really her. Okay, maybe not. But really. A Decepticon humanoid? Why are we turning into cars and trucks and stuff then? Oh, right. A human isn't as cool of an action figure, and we can't get cool product placement. Gotchya.

Yes, while we're on the subject, this movie is more of a car commercial than the first one.

Yes, there are lots of cool explosions and excellent special effects. Like with the first film, the robots and the battles are the highlight while the Nickelodeon-for-adults style jokes (it's either Skids or Mudflap that's voiced by the same guy who does Spongebob Squarepants -- not kidding) and the mail-order Lego-assembled script is more than a low point. It's a high-pitched squeeling noise ripping apart your senses while you wait in agony for the next action scene.

Yes, the movie is 150 minutes long. That's why I couldn't believe that this thing sold out on the midnight showing. The first movie looked cool (at the very least), but who would want to endure that for a half hour longer than they had to? Horrible directing, half-assed acting, and a script that's only a notch higher than the reading material on the back of a box of Lucky Charms. The only redeeming value is really cool robots and really cool explosions. I would enjoy a movie of just seeing that for two hours and not trying to push a plot on me at all.

Which, by the way, is not even worth talking about because there isn't one. They had to have been writing this movie on the go. "We're going to make this happen, and this happen, and let's go to Egypt and film because I've never been to Egypt before." How many times as the whole, "I have weird revelations of an extraterrestrial race" thing been done? Close Encounters of the Third Kind anyone? Oh, Spielberg produced this. I forgot.

In summary, this is nothing but geek porn. Which is a pretty good description of our summer of movies so far. Terminator, Star Trek, Wolverine with an orgy of X-Men characters, Transformers, G.I. Joe... It's good to be a nerd. Except that I am one and this film sucks Devastator's balls. There's no reason why you can't wait for the DVD or rip it offline. I'm encouraging you to do that. Don't give this movie any money.

You know what I hate the most? The Transformers are ruined forever. This movie will always be, and there's nothing we can do about it. At the very least, I'd hope that Paramount would want to repackage this film, and change the title of it and its predecessor to Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots: The Movie. Then we can start all over again. Please?

The Academy continues nominating movies that no one has actually seen. Last year, nominee leaders were films like No Country for Old Men, Michael Clayton, There Will Be Blood, and Atonement. Perhaps the most watched film of the lot was Juno, but... I'm not even going to bother with a rant of that piece of crap.

This year, the big nominee for the 81st Annual Academy Awards is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with a whopping 13 nominations. I'll get to that one in a moment. The second most nominated film is Slumdog Millionaire with 10 nods. Okay, who? The Dark Knight received 8 Oscar nominations, and NONE OF THEM are a Best Picture nomination. Why not?! Frost/Nixon is nominated for Best Picture, and that's after only 4 other nominations! FOUR!! How does that flick get a Best Picture nod when The Dark Knight had 8 nominations?  Hell, the little ET/Jonny 5 hybrid got 6 nominations, and about half the families in America went to go see that film (by the way, I'm talking about WALL-E). Why didn't that one get a Best Picture nod?

WALL-E has tied Beauty and the Beast for the animated film with the most nominations. These are the only animated films to have gotten 6 nods. However, one of those noms for Beauty and the Beast was... GASP! ... Best Picture!! Had WALL-E gotten that nod, which it rightfully deserved, it would have been the most nominated animated film ever. I reserve the claim that no animated film will ever win an Oscar for Best Picture, just like a comic actor will never win Best Actor. The Academy prefers depressing shit.

At last year's Oscars, George Clooney was the star. This year, they're polishing the nob of his buddy, Brad Pitt. Pitt's acting job in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was... well, it was Brad Pitt. Who the hell is Benjamin Button? Nobody knows, because all we saw was Brad Pitt. How can a man whose facial expressions were computer animated for 2/3 of the film be nominated for best actor? Why does Brad Pitt get a nomination for playing a computer animated Button and Andy Serkis didn't get a nomination when he played a computer animated Gollum? And did a much better job, I might add. Way to wear that motion capture suit, Andy.

Reportedly, Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and producer Barrie M. Osborne actively campaigned for Andy Serkis to receive an Oscar nod for his portrayel of Gollum, but the holier-than-thou Academy forbids an actor to be nominated when he is not physically seen on screen. (Ergo, no voice actor will ever win an Academy Award.) Brad Pitt has an out because sometimes he was on screen. Sometimes. The award should still go to makeup because Pitt did diddly squat.

Overall, Button was a snooze. Lots of potential, but they did nothing with it. The only redeemable scene is the one where Pitt narrates a what-if scenerio that lead to Cate Blanchet's accident. The rest of the film was just kind of a draggy copy of Forest Gump. Despite 13 Oscar nods, this film isn't going to come out so big according to an Oscar leak.  Supposedly, Mickey Rourke is best actor, Amy Adams is best supporting actress, Heath Ledger is best supporting actor, and Slumdog Millionare (never saw it) is best picture. The omniscient Academy denies the leak. But honestly, I still don't care enough to watch.

The Academy had previously been worried that the analog/digital switchover was going to hurt their viewing audience on February 22nd. No... Nobody's going to watch it because they've never seen these frickin films. If you want to increase your viewership, Acadamy, you nominate films people give a damn about.

Oh, and Wolverine is the Master of Ceremonies.  Now THAT'S funny.  Still, nothing will beat this Oscar intro from a few years ago.  Last Oscars I ever watched.